from inside my window

laying in bed at this hour proves to be somewhat of a revelation. It is the time when the sun has set beneath the mountains and the moon has risen in all its royalty and glory. The stars have exposed themselves, gradually, one by one; each their own little spectacle of light.

And here I lay, in bed--looking, listening, wishing. At this hour, the moon casts a certain amount of light upon my bedroom window. The shadow that is cast reflects upon the wall to which I stare at. This shadow, this symbol of my life, bears an uncanny resemblance to prison bars. I try to shake off the feeling of imprisonment, but it doesn't wear away.

Outside I hear a distinct car I know that drives up the cauldesac down the street. I listen, carefully. It does the same thing I have come to realize as a routine. Drive up the street, park in the driveway, and only after a few minutes, I hear the car's engine rev up once more and the sound of his exhaust fades away in the distance, the farther away he got.

I wish I were in that car. Behind the steering wheel like that--free. The night is his. The entirety of it. He has no shame, no curfew, nothing to live by ... other than himself. I want to breathe in that freedom for once. It must taste wonderful, exhilirating, beautiful, exuberant.

But not I. Not me. I stay behind the prison bars and in the confines of my own home. The whole "home sweet home" is just a facade; just something I put a front about; something only meant for the fairytales.

blue funk synonym

signs You May be Experiencing Depression

-You have difficulty concentrating at work.
-You prefer to sleep or watch TV rather than socialize or engage in your favorite past times.
-The terminals have taken over your thoughts. You think you’ll never find someone else, you’ll never fall in love, you’ll never_________.
-Suddenly, all of your faults are fatal.
-Pain is real, dragging you down. You have no energy and speak with certain apathy and feel forever on the edge of crying.
-Your emotions are exaggerated; when you laugh, you laugh a little too loud, smile a little too wide all so no one knows how you hurt inside.
-You avoid social situations and receive little joy when forced to attend .
-You work extended hours and weekends so you don't have to face friends, family or the pain you are trying to hide.

The second, third, fourth, and fifth bullets hit extremely close to home. I just need to get away. Away from it all. Away from this past. Away from my old life. Because it's the only thing that's bringing me down.

fork in the road

as much as I want to go back to high school, I can't. Reality hasn't truly hit me until now. High school seems so long ago. I wanted to get stuck in that vortex forever or for as long as I possibly could. But...it seems now, life has called out to me. Future has tapped me on the shoulder and I turned to realize I am standing face-to-face with it. My past trails behind me like a shadow in daytime and disappears in the midst of night. When the moon rises and smiles down upon me, I take the time to think...I'm on my own now.

Pictures of high school, of junior high, of elementary, of kindergarten--they all float by me in slow-motion. Smiles, silent laughter, bonds of friendship, surprises, people frozen in moments of time; all in photographs that I choose to keep to show others how much I've grown and made myself who I am today. My skin thickens with every year that passes because I've learned from my mistakes and have become stronger along the way. High school is over. The past is over.

I need a hand to hold. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need guidance. I need a breath of fresh air. I need God.

It has hit me at the force of the speed of light. And all I can do now is take it with determined eyes.

black hole serenity

coming back home for winter break has taken me back to my roots; and to tell you the truth, I hate it. I thought coming back would be pretty okay, maybe some softer ground rules have been set. Maybe my parents would realize that I'm nineteen already. Maybe I didn't have a curfew. Maybe I can hang out with friends I haven't seen in the longest time. Maybe my parents would be somewhat cool about who I am and what I do.

It was only when I stepped foot into my house did I realize that nothing would be different. Absolutely nothing.

You have no idea how hard I have tried to get through to them, reasoning with them that I'm old enough to know what's right and wrong. I'm not saying I know all there is to life, but enough to get me through. But it doesn't get through to their tiny, miniscule heads of theirs. Isn't it called "learning from your mistakes?" Am I not even allowed to make my own mistakes? I could yell at them for all I know, and STILL no change would occur. Do you know what their reasons are? Yeah, because they don't have any REAL ones. All they have to say is "so? That doesn't matter." Since when did nothing I have to say or do not matter? I have been fed up with them and their rules for so long that once I leave home, I'm going to live it up like a true college student should. It hurts sometimes. They don't realize I have had mental breakdowns all because of them. Not that they are bad parents. They could win the Best Parental Unit Award, hands down. But their reasoning is a bit off. I seriously don't give a flying fudge about how I'm not following tradition. They should realize that they are the only cause for me not doing so. Their boundaries, all their lectures, their unreasonable reasoning--it makes me who I am today. And for that, I am thankful in a way. But only in the way that means being glad to be leaving my family after break. All the stress that is put upon me makes me want to scream at times. However, they don't understand. And honestly, I don't think they ever will.

a verbatim report

notes on reminiscing 2004:

may 24, 2004
First period was KRAYZEE man!! We're learning about sex and stuff in life skills so Ms. Van passed around... ::cue any kind of music because it'd be hilarious:: ...CONDOMS! Hahaha every frikkin type of condom you could think of! There were female condoms, normal latex condoms [[which was hilarious because there was this box full of em called "excita fiesta" which were multi-colored condoms!!]], cervical caps, diaphragms, vaginal sponge...omg...so many mooore its out-of-this-world.

may 25, 2004
...the whole "noodle incident." Yes, for those who witnessed this, you know what it is.
Here's the scene:
It's lunch time » Ashley is sitting down flicking her beef away from her BEEF cup of soup and so Aki comes over and gets her fork and gets some noodles and FLiCKS EM AT HER. Hahahaha...Ashley is playin all cool and shmack, but after a few minutes, she goes over to Aki and flicks this CHUNK LOAD oF NOODLES at him. OMG. Here's the CHAiN REACTiON » [1] Ashley FLiCKS noodles at Aki [2] Aki's initial reaction is to throw back his head which causes [3] his glasses to fall on the floor making his [4] lens fall out and [5] his head hitting Michael on the nose causing [6] Michael's nose to bleed and [7] noodles down tiffany's shirt. o.m.g. What a hilarious thing to see!! You shoulda been there!!

july 03, 2004
Here is a hilarious tid-bit of a conversation that I overheard my two...KRAYZEE...brothers had...
Ranneil : uh...Ren? Did you fart?
lil owen : No! I was just laughing!
Ranneil : Heh, well does your laugh sound like a zipper?

august 02, 2004
"There is milk on one side of your mouth, and a rice on the other." - ranneil to lil owen on his lunch.

august 24, 2004
HOLY PEANUT BUTTER, BATMAN! WE'RE iN A STiCKY SiTUATiON!!

september 3, 2004
Learned that in the latino countries, they didnt like Big Bird in Sesame Street because he was the color yellow, which to them meant "coward." Therefore, they released another show like it ... with Big Bird's cousin ... who was green.

september 12, 2004
Filipino: ur too cool
Filipino: how u do it
aRiZtocratic: oh yes.
aRiZtocratic: oh just a sprinkle of awesome beans with a spray of coolnessocity and a touch of veryverycool dust ought to do it.
Filipino: mmm
Filipino: *homer drool* bean sprinkles

november 10, 2004
"OH OH OH!! Is petroleum the thing that Superman is allergic to?" said silly Ashley Pabrazinsky

dix-neuf s'il vous plaît

cet a été dix-neuf années puisque j'étais né et pourtant l'âge adulte semble si au loin. L'enfance est quelque chose je manque le plus. Les jours quand le papa me porterait à la table de cuisine tôt sur les jours ouvrables à un bol de flocons d'avoine de myrtille. Les jours quand les jouets étaient l'exemple d'un bon jour. Les jours quand les devoirs ont consisté en la coloration dans les lignes du leperchauns transparent et tel.

Je sens toujours dix-huit bien que. Peut-être même dix-sept. C'est dur à s'imaginer que quelqu'un aussi pas encore mûr que je tournerais vingt une année de maintenant. Je devine le temps me dit que je devrais l'habiter en haut la droite de maintenant. Je ne veux pas grandir en haut cependant, cela est la chose. Je ne veux pas être exposé à l'alcool et aux drogues et toute la mauvaise chose dans le monde. Pas que certaines de cette chose est amusante. C'est juste cette innocence m'a marqué avec tant de morales. Mais je calcule je peux faire face à ces obstacles avec mes coussins de genou et au masque d'hockey -- la tête sur.

Pardonner mon mauvais français.

dream catcher needed

it's safe to say that I haven't gotten a chunkload of dreams or nightmares lately. But honestly, I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. However, last night proved to be a pinnacle of the nightmare climax. Well. Maybe not. But I woke up crying.

Usually I don't get into things too fast. I take my sweet time and hope for the best. I am a very cautious person when it comes to things. And when I do get into these things after taking my precious time, the Sand Man gets the best of me, testing me on what I've learned and what I can handle. (Fucking sand man.) How dare he.

But do interpret this if you will. If you can.

I'm not quite sure why we were there, but we were at a gas station by a long road filled with lights. I couldn't make out where we were exactly, but we were there nevertheless. This gas station was strange in that ... there were no gas pumps. Just a quick mart and a huge lounge area in the front, complete with sofas and coffee tables. Now, it wasn't glitz and glamour, but more like dirty and eew. Y'know, torn up couches with black oil stains on them, the whole enchilada. So, I guess you could call it a gas lounge? No. Maybe a station lounge. There was no gas provided. But moving on, there was a few of us. Some friends I couldn't help but recognize as A, K, and B. There were some unknowns as well, so I'd estimate there were about 8 of us total. We were inside, checking out the mart goods, when I notice guys in black masks coming toward the station lounge, ready to rob the place. There was quite a few of them. But once they entered, I was all up on them, saying I was an undercover cop. (What does that mean?!) But anyways, a fight ensued. People punching people in faces, grabbing each other by their clothes, I even felt someone cop a feel. But after busting those suckers (even though I wasn't a cop), everything just became chill. All of us (including the perverted robbers) just sat on the couches as if we were all friends. (I know, I'm sorry if this is getting weirder by the sentence. But I'm tellin' ya, I'm more confused than you are.) I was sitting next to one of the robbers, when he tries to cop a feel again! WHAT. THE. EFF. He starts feeling up my leg and I sucker punch him in the crotch, but he keeps going. He gives me a little smirk and says, "Did you like that when I did that to you in the mart?" After that, uncomfortability made its way at a driving force. However, I noticed A and K were gone. I didn't think much into it because I believed they'd come back sooner of later. So I recognized B was sitting on the other sofa. I told him to come hither and relieve me of this pervert. He did, hesistantly (Great.) and sat in between us. He jokingly held the douchebag's hand. (Just great.) And then he left to his other sofa again and the next thing you know, Perv's hand all up on my body once more. I got up and sat next to an Unknown Friend (I'm guessing their faces were blurry). I already felt as if I had been taken advantage of, so I felt like a pile of SHIT. I wondered were A and K were, but they were nowhere to be found. I called K up and no one answered, it just went straight to voicemail. So I ring up A and she answers in a commotion.

me: Um...hey, A. Where's K?
A: I really don't know.
me: Where are you?
A: I'm strolling around. Oh wait.
me: What?
A: I see him. I see K. ... Marissa ...
me: What?!
A: ... he's coming out of a chapel with some girl.
me: .... (tears) ...
A: I think he just got married.

It was then that I realized that the long road we were near was the Strip. We were in Las Vegas.
That's when the waterworks started. That's when I woke up. I wonder if my roommate heard me.

Now, then.
Interpret THAT, bitches.
Please.

concealing seething rage

uh-oh...

b: i live vicariously through you
h: vicariously...?
h: define please
h: haha
b: idk, i heard whitney say it on the hills
b: lol
h: -___-
h: omg
h: haha
h: 2. taking the place of another person or thing; acting or serving as a substitute.
h: that sounds like _____
h: haha
b: AAAHAHAHAHA